5 Gaming Techniques That Are Actually Absurd

1. Snaking

We used to do this all day in high school. Join the cool kids revolution.

In Mario Kart DS (and Mario Kart Wii), the fastest way to get around a track is to exploit the speed boosts that you get when you drift. By constantly alternating left and right drifts, you would move forward in a zigzag at a faster pace than you would without the boosts. It's called snaking because you move like an extremely fast snake, but at the same time, YOU'RE DRIVING LIKE A SNAKE. If I were Mario, I'd outlaw snaking and make sure that you lose your MarioKart driving license if you're ever caught boosting your kart on the road.

2. T-Spins

Without the "Hold Piece" function, these kids would suck at Tetris.

As you may know, Tetris was named after the move of using the I piece to clear 4 lines at the same time. T-Spins are one of the many ways that you can sneak a piece into a space that you normally couldn't drop the piece into. Technically you can spin any piece except for the box, but the rise of 1v1 Tetris has brought upon a new generation of T-Spin players. T-Spins now give you the most points per clear, as well as a 2 to 1 ratio of lines sent to lines cleared. This is particularly absurd because constant Back-to-Back T-Spin Doubles are absolutely required for higher level play in a game of...Tetris.

3. Stutter Stepping

 I couldn't find a good video of marines stutter stepping so you get to watch me be a baddie!

Stutter stepping is a technique used in just about every RPG and RTS (and sometimes FPS) game. By alternating running and attacking as quickly as possible, you can achieve the benefits of both. My question is: What type of wicked magic prevents these characters from attacking and running at the same time? Marines don't have the motor skills to shoot while they're walking, but they are perfectly capable of executing a strange walking/attacking maneuver in-sync. Moreover, why isn't anybody capable of running backwards? What a cruel, sick joke to play on our already-poorly-designed Diablo 2 characters.

4. EV Training/IV Breeding

 This is an abridged guide to Pokemon breeding. You can't read it even when you zoom in.

It's bad enough that Pokemon is known for being a game that encourages animal slavery and cockfighting. To make it worse, the only way to play Pokemon competitively is to continuously breed your Pokemon for almost-perfect stats and then throw the Chosen One into battle up to 510 times. IVs, or Individual Values, are base stats that a Pokemon is born with. Along with perfect IVs, a competitive Pokemon needs the perfect Nature and Ability (all determined by a random number generator). EVs, or Effort Values, are invisible stats that are gained every time a Pokemon finishes a fight. Unfortunately, one Pokemon can only gain 510 of these stat points before they can never grow any stronger. So basically, competitive Pokemon is a combination of the Westminster Kennel Club and Chinese acrobat training. It's wrong, I tell you!

5. Last Hitting

The blue minion is crying right now, but Ashe has no heart.

Last hitting is absurd. Imagine being a tiny wood elf. You're trudging through the dark forest to chop down some wood for the fire, but every time the tree is about to fall, some asshole swoops in, tips the tree over, and runs off with the wood. That's exactly what you're doing when you "last hit" in MOBA games. The almighty character that you've picked will wait until the computer-controlled minions do all of the work before he swoops in, takes the kill, and steals all of the money. Not only are you getting resources from last hitting, you're gaining recognition for killing the minion. That's really...not cool man.